I wish I cared LESS. I think I'm too emotional. Or that maybe I get "butt hurt" too easy. He doesn't respond half of the time and my biggest pet peeve with males is being ignored. IGNORED. Adrian used to do it all the time. Ignore me but answer everyone else. It'd make me SO mad. Why am I any less important? Especially if you're making me out to BE that important. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I think I'm done with it. I really think I am. I need to talk to older men. Established... men. Someone more on "my level" as Kelsi says.

Sometimes I like to yell really loud just because I can.

I can't decide if the way I feel is really self inflicted or if it's really the way I feel. It's this process in my mind that goes something like: If I don't feel hurt then that must mean I don't care. I have to care, because if I don't, then I must not be a real human being.

I mean what kind of twisted mental idea is THAT? It's disgusting. I feel disgusting. I'm garbage.

She's always so attracted to people that treat her badly or were never there for her. She'll regret it in the long run. She really will. This is only temporary. I guess I am too. Everything really is if you want to get technical. Life. Love. Children. Everything eventually dies. I think that's the whole "bittersweet" effect of life. You have something ... that's sweet...but then it dies....that's bitter.

He may have been a shitty boyfriend, but he was the only real friend I had. He was honest- which is something so hard to come by in people these days. Maybe honesty wasn't what I always needed to hear from him, but I can appreciate it...no matter how much it hurt. Seems like everyone kind of dies off these days, even the people you thought would be there until you did die. I've always thought I was better off alone, regardless of the fact that I'm a libra and according to that I need constant social encounters. I find that hard to believe. I'd rather be alone than in a room of liars.

Tanaka: "yeah..i'm having a painful and ugly day today and they seem to be happening really often suddenly. I don't know why but for some reason me and everyone around me are just all going downhill...its hard to believe the whole world isn't a little down right now

but i'm sure someones getting married, and someone else getting their first guitar, and someone else is having an epiphany, and so on

I don't know how I feel right now. I want to tell you and other people and write it down and know for the sake of knowing but... I dont know. The past few days have shown me that the world is a bright and beautiful place, more than I thought it could be, but being young and naiive and making mistakes can send so many things raining down on you that not a thing even matters except how sad and isolated you feel. I just feel like it takes so long to figure out what the whole world already knows



i'm glad I inspired you."






Me: "things happen for a reason. i don't know if you're a believer of that, but i am a strong believer of it. those feelings of just not knowing what is wrong with me but knowing SOMETHING is, happen to me at least once a month for two weeks. i hate it. and i love it. i love it because those feelings make me feel human and yet when i feel that way i try to convince myself i'm something else. it's strange, but it's sometimes the only reminder i have that reminds me i am alive. i think it's those feelings that push us to learn new things about ourselves. sometimes i think we feel that way because we have something inside that is hidden and just itching to be known, discovered, whatever! because once we understand why we feel that way, we now know and everything feels......... greener. we can breathe lively again instead of shallow. a piece is discovered and we are able to use this new part.

or maybe we are instead broken, and the piece isn't something new but something that was just needed. we figure out we are broken and then we start to try to find ways to fix it. and that is where self realization comes into play as well. while searching for this new piece we end up finding all of these other pieces. sometimes so many we forget we even have a missing piece. ahhhhhhh and it feels so damn good!

think about this hurt as something good. something that's going to make you feel better in reality. because that's what i think it does, for me at least. and you know, if it doesn't work that way for you, then i hope you feel better. because after every storm there is a clear sky."

Um...what can I say today...

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

But then you appeared... taking away everything I though I was going to be holding onto. WHOOOOOO are you???!??!??!??!

I know where you are right now, and I hate you. Wherever you are. I hate you.

"look i just want something new in my life. you were the best girlfriend i've ever had. you were definitely what they call a ride or die. you never left my side through any of the fucked up shit i did. but i just dont see you in my future. it's not as bright when i picture it with you."

-"wow......."

" i know... look... im gonna let you go now"

-"i love you..."

"..............i love you too, goodbye jolene"

i'm so tired and conflicted. that is all.

I'm always asking for too much it seems. I'm just SO selfish when I ask for time with you on the weekends. SOOOOO SELFISH. I guess I'm just a selfish bitch really. I'm horrible with that. I mean who gives a shit if I don't see you for three weeks because of my job. Not I, and DEFINITELY not you. You don't care,it's whatever to you. Because everything between us is just so normal. Fuck you.

I hate having to bite my tongue.

new life. new post.