its trashy for girls to smoke cigarettes
so i guess im compost
i dont give a fuck, i will do what i do and keep doing it
SORRY SOCIETY.

i don't know what it is.
but this is weird. frustrating.
etc.
fuck

so begins the cycle

i dont know where its going to take us
its kind of a scary thought.
but what the hell can i do? take my chances i guess.
i'm gambling.
blah
blah
blah

oh wtf

"hey remember that time when..."
"oh and when ..."

man i don't remember shit

thats not real ~
fuck

for the record ~

things are gonna get harder.
this is going to get easy
but good fucking thing we were built ford tough.

my babe.

oh

happy october 1st

these days.....

tick tock tick tock

i heart huckabees makes me not know what the fuck i want.

out of everything.

i go to jack in the box, and i think, what is the coincidence of picking a taco over a jumbo jack...

what the hell?

strep does weird things to you. sore neck. sore back. sudden crave for sodas. 

i really want a box of old photographs.

??????!?!???!!!?!

What can I say for myself that I haven't said before? I wish I were in someone else's shoes? Someone else that was happier that is. Someone else with more adventures.

Our conversations have become less interesting as time goes on. Our skin has slowly started the process of wrinkling, and though that will take years to really take effect, I still feel the aging in my bones. Lumpy, stumpy, and grumpy. Patience has worn me thin, not literally (I WISH).

I've dedicated myself to witnessing every full moon and praying right underneath it. Not only that but singing songs in the morning and smiling at every passer-by. I'm in the mood to cry, but for good reasons in reality. I'm tired of crying because of boys, or other self-loathing reasons. I'm ready to start crying for birth, life, and even death in certain scenarios. I'm ready for a re-birth, another epiphany, or some self-realization. I don't want to hold onto what I have been holding onto for so damn long. I need to jump off this cliff.

This lady today, that I was checking out (as in her clothes etc.) at work, was laughing hysterically, and smiling the most smiley smile I've ever seen. She had just won 20 bucks on a scratch off, and it made her so ridiculously happy. She said to me "It's twenty more bucks than I have now, and it's the first time I've ever won anything on any of these! I LOVE LIFE! DON'T EVER GIVE UP!" I had to smile, because she was so beautiful in that moment. Maybe I sound cheesy, but it's real. She was genuine, and good, and happy, and just alive for that single moment. I think this is what people strive for most of their lives.

I already know what my home is going to look like. It's going to have a porch that goes around 3/4's of the house, and a backyard with tons of trees, and and maybe two big ones in the front yard. The master bedroom is going to have a one wall with windows that take up it's entire mass. It will have a huge kitchen, and a settled living room. I'll have huge comforters like the ones I have now. I will own only one computer, that will only be used for work and nothing else. There will be a garden somewhere, and two cats, and a big dog.

Yes life does goes by fast.

cat slipperz: i feel good, but not too good, you know what i mean?
Greg: basically you dont feel bad?
cat slipperz: well i mean, i don't feel not bad, but i don't feel bad
cat slipperz: i'm just somewhere in between
cat slipperz: but not so inbetween that i can be like "okay"
Greg: you are in the purgatory of feelings right now
Greg: or are you not even there because purgatory would be "okay".....
cat slipperz: no, i think you are right, i am in purgatory
cat slipperz: cause i mean okay could be under the category of "good"
cat slipperz: cause not bad would go under there
cat slipperz: and okay and not bad are basically synonymous
cat slipperz: cause when someone says not bad they don't exactly mean good or great
cat slipperz: just okay techinically
Greg: i think we just made some quantum sense out of your problem
cat slipperz: yes, i do think progess was made just now
cat slipperz: but i think i just downgraded the progress by spelling progress wrong
Greg: good job
Greg: you set us back 100 im's
cat slipperz: oh fuck

-

If there is one thing I have learned lately, it's that a lie hurts more when told later than sooner. No matter how far into the past it was.

He says I need to see my friends, but really, all my friends are dead- I suppose. I mean they've all taken a different road. One, myspace friends and parties, two, lost then found but moved to Colorado, three, lost and still lost due to the fact her head has been stuck up her boyfriends ass for so long (she can't find her way anywhere), four, works every single day, five, a ghost, six, too far, seven, yet another ghost, - and so it goes on, and on, and on, and on. Dead.

I'd like to meet someone that's like me. Assertive, somewhat funny, listener, stubborn (though we'd get nowhere), lovable. Last one is to toot my own horn. I want to to be like talking to myself. See how long I could keep a conversation going. Maybe not long, but who knows right?

I mean shit at this rate I could be like Brittany Hibbits. LOL.

I remember, because we were laying on your bed, and the light was dim, and you were touching my face.

You said..

"If I could, I'd make you my whole world."

Liar.











http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjMkNrX60mA

There are things this past weekend that I just thought about. Pretty insignificant things really.

For instance...

The fact that my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend is ugly. When he started dating her, several people told me "she's not even prettier than you." Some were random people I talked to, some were HIS friends - not naming anyone.

The way people just forget things, like where they left their keys, or what happened that morning. Sometimes people just mix up mornings entirely. They confuse this morning with thursday's morning, and so on.

How birds fly to one place and another just as if we were taking a car ride there or walking to one side of a room to the other. It's just a daily thing to them and so many humans wish they could just fly. Do birds wish they could just walk like we do?

I thought of a lot of things, and now I'm just frustrated. I thought about how I do so much for you and you do half of that for me. I guess that's what I sacrifice in our little twosome we have going. I sacrifice my feelings for you. I would drive to your house just to take you to mine and then drive you back. Or just driving to your house 3 days a week. I wouldn't dare bring this up to you because that's not the kind of person I am. I don't bring up alllll of the things I do for you that you don't do in return, because that's not okay. Maybe I should so I just don't blow up about it one day, but right now I don't.

Life just feels so horrible today though it is not horrible at all.

exceriseeeeeeee your BRAIN

So this, lately, has been getting on my nerves.

Teenagers.

Those like many that claim they are older and more mature and still complain about their parents because "they don't understand them, because they aren't a teenager." Here is a little secret... THEY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY WERE TEENAGERS. They didn't skip an entire era of their life. They just don't agree with the fact that you want to go to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house at 1 in the morning. You just don't understand little brain.

Those like many that insist that they "can do the things they want (i.e. parties, marijuana, sex) because their brains have grown." Maybe your intelligence has grown a little bit in highschool but you're rationality has definitely decreased. The world owes you nothing and you should be grateful for your parents, because they in fact, currently, hold the key to your freedom. Wake up and smell your gym shorts for crying out loud. 

Those like many that insist they find "love," in the ninth, tenth, eleventh grade. Girls do mature faster that guys, it's obvious. So it baffles me that most girls will chase after high school boys thinking they are just as mature as they are. My father used to tell me this all the time, "Your boyfriend is in college waiting for you." Girls that insist they are in love but have a new boyfriend every two weeks. No. You will learn some day, but today is not your day.

Those like many that insist they are "independent," but don't have a job, pay for their car or cell phone, and still call their mother and father "mommy and daddy." Until you can do all of these things, you cannot seriously call yourself independent. 

Those like many that insist they know what is going on in the world today by complaining about President Bush. What you really know is how biased the media is, because that's all you heard on the t.v. and throughout school from kids your age that got their information from their parents who probably only watch CNN, NBC, MSNBC, all liberal media. You take a hit from your joint and talk about how the corporate world has nothing but crooks and the government is shitty. You have no idea.

The one thing I wish most, is that I was a better role model for my brother. I wish I could have not done the things I did so that I could set a good example for him. Believe it or not, your siblings do look up to you. It hit me when he one day said to me, "I started smoking because you were smoking." As soon as I quit, I tried to work that magic again, but unfortunately he was stuck in a world he won't get out of until he learns the hard way. 

You aren't smarter than you think, you won't know what love is until it really hits you like a brick ( just because you can hold a long relationship, doesn't mean you seriously love that person either), you aren't independent in High School, and you have no idea what is really going on in the world until you do the research yourself.

As crazy as it sounds, this is why I want to become a Government teacher.

So lately my thoughts have circled around crazy ideas. There is a list of things I want to do but just haven't had the people to do them with. There are only two people I can think of that would ever agree to do these things with me. One is my love! He is always willing to do just about anything, and I think that part of him has rubbed off on me, his sense of adventure. Unfortunately, he lives far far away from me. The second person is an old friend whom I really don't talk to anymore. Difference in ideas. The sad part is that these two people are the only people that have ever convinced me they care about me at all. I've had friends, I mean, we all have friends. They change as we grow up, but we have them. None of my friends have ever made me feel like these two people did though. I know for a fact that my love would come to me if I really needed him, and this old friend came to me when I needed them most before.

That's the kind of thing I miss. But fear not for it will be achieved!

I think things are going to pick up for me.

And so, my brother and I got into this argument that comes up a lot lately since he keeps asking me to do these... favors for him. I don't like his girlfriend, at all. I used to at some point, until I figured out a many of things just by seeing their relationship. 

- She doesn't do anything good for HIM. I don't see how she impacted his life in a good way other then getting my mother to yell at him a lot for doing dumb shit like taking control of the car as if he were paying for it. He did Ecstasy while he was with her. She lets him make stupid ass decisions, like that. If it were up to me and that were my boyfriend, I wouldn't let him. I understand it's the whole thing of "oh lets let each other do things because we have our own free wills," but I'm not sure I would ever let that be put into play with drugs. You're not controlling someone if you're saying something for their own benefit. 

-She has this whole 10 year old view on things, "I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone" outlook on life. That is not a mature way to see things. I think that, but only in uncontrollable situations. Grow up.

-She is what I call a trapper. She dared to be dumb enough to say, IN THE BEGINNING OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP, "I thought I could love you, fall in love with you," OH PLEASE. She gave it up too soon as well, taking whatever innocence my brother had left, trapping him even more, making him feel obligated to be with her. 

My brother asks me if I can invite them to go do things with Adrian and I, so they can see what couples do and how they influence each other in good ways. Red flag? Is it? Because my BROTHER is asking me this, using those exact words. In all reality, he shouldn't have a girlfriend during his senior year, he needs to focus on what's going to get him into a better future, not some little girl who has only become an anchor on his life, holding him down. He doesn't need a girlfriend who is as insecure as her, or on the contrary as well, has as big of an ego. 

She isn't cute anymore. And he needs to wake up and see what he really has in front of him.

waking life?

Your parent thinks "When the hell did my baby grow up? Where did all the innocence of childhood go to?"

You think, "Shit."

Your face gets pink, and the two of you get up and leave your room.

June has went by so fast. It kind of scares me that it has, because apparently this is what the rest of my life is going to feel like according to my father who has "been there done that." Then again, my father has always been so pessimistic about everything. I remember once while watching the news, the week forecast said sunny all week long and my father said "yeah well, those weather men don't know what they're really talking about, they can't predict the future, we'll get rain, you see." To him that was positive thinking because "we needed rain."

Lately I've just wanted to feel drunk. I want that shit faced feeling you get when you wake up the next morning. The splitting headache and dizziness all just seem friend to me these past few days. Some nights when I'm just laying in bed I can feel the nausea slowly creep up on me, and once I welcome it with open arms it runs away. Maybe I need more beauty in my life, or perhaps to open up my eyes more often. This morning when I woke up at 7 a.m. I could feel everything beautiful sink into my bones. The thin slits of light that came through my blinds were beautiful along with the way the air from the fan felt on my shoulders. I started to think about these things but then of course my thoughts started to skip over to other things which then caused me to feel a knot in my throat. I found similarities in things I never wanted to find in. This then caused questions which led to me throwing away my morning.

I realized my phone didn't work this morning. This brought relief and panic.

Hm? I know you'll take that the wrong way so let me elaborate. Relief from the constant technology push and panic because of the lack of communication between me and my lover! I fear no longer, it works.

My dog, Ziggy, loves no matter what. I'd like that. He loves me though I dislike him with a passion. He follows me around and lays by my feet when I have decided on a place to lounge and is ready to move when I am. He loves me. It's actually starting to grow on me, and I'm beginning to love him back.

I'd like to be more artistically inclined. Whether it be with my hands, voice, whatever, just more of it would be nice. My mother said I have it with my eyes. I see things like nobody else, she says, though it's extremely cliche. There's this song now on the radio called "birthday sex," and it makes me wonder, what the hell happened to music? How has it seriously gotten to this? Anybody with a generally nice voice can make a "number 1 hit song" about whatever the hell they want. Forget about the truly unique voices like Norah Jones, Patsy Cline, Nathan Willet, Louis Armstrong or even Willie Nelson and other such artists. Musicians have it hard now-a-days because teenagers rule the music industry in the sense that they demand what's to be recorded, to be heard, and all it is are r&b and rap songs about money and sex and fame or even shoes for god sakes.

It's just sad is all.

I've decided I need to go outside more often. I need sunshine. That is exactly what I need. I just want someone else who wants the same thing. I know I don't NEED them but it'd be nice to have them.

Before last night, I would stay up until god awful times of the night. I would stay up and draw or think, look for music. Last night I went to sleep at 8 and woke up at 7 this morning. It felt so good, although now I could use a nap.

I just cleaned my ear because it was oozing nasty stuff. Bleh. I feel a little nauseous but I will get over it.

VOILA!

I want more for myself. I want a lot more. Does this make me selfish? There are a few traits I wish I had that I know I currently lack.

More adventure. More risks.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I was just there an hour or so ago, touching, loving.


This is not a dream.



It's really frustrating when everything is so private :|

this will destroy you

Why do people put there hands over there faces out of frustration? What do they not want to see? When I was younger I used to scream and yell when I was frustrated. Now I am silent, yet I still scream on the inside. Sometimes tears roll down my cheek and all they are, are tiny little screams of profanity, acts of violence. Salty. Wet. Small. Significant.

I know what I want. I want you to pick up my pieces and fit them back together. Put ME back together. Start where everything was dropped. A stronger bond. That's what I want. To forever be tied. But it's not what I really want, because it's not what you want. That's where everything becomes slightly incoherent. I want you to want what I want. I want what you want. But what I want isn't what you want, so I don't really want it. This is what destroys me. Because this isn't what I want. I want what I want and that's what I am figuring out.

Us.

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to him on the couch, to wrap my arms around him and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and he had the girlfriend and I was gawky and he was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and he was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and he was hurricane." - Looking for Alaska

I know what tomorrow is going to be like. I know that it isn't going to be so sunny, but that everything is still going to be okay. I know that the sky isn't going to just fall down.

Only I don't?

Today was a good day. Today was normal. This night was terrible. This night was so terrible, I wouldn't mind doing it just once more, so that when I say goodnight, I don't forget to say I love you the next time around.

I hate who you've become too. I don't know you anymore. All of those piece of shit tears you shed don't mean a damn thing until you've done something positive for yourself. Best friend my ass, you haven't been my shoulder in forever. What really sucks is that I have to look at that fake ass somberness on your face every day. If it's sympathy you were looking for, then you got it. I have so much sympathy for you. I feel sorry that you'll waste away this next year being a selfish nomad, moving from crowd to crowd taking what you only think will benefit you. I feel sorry for you, because your future looks like a garbage dump. There won't be anyone, especially not me, to be behind you picking up shit you drop. Welcome to your lonely, sad world.

I have a headache.

~~~~%

I've got this job now, and I'll have this car at some point or another. I will be enrolled into college at sometime and time will keep going and going.

I've recently though about time. I think it about it a lot actually. It never stops. June is flying by and it's taking everything in me to notice the small seconds of the day. I have all these plans that have been destroyed, and so I am left with the remains of what an amazing summer could have been.

I still have my babe. That counts for a lot. And recently a band aid has been placed somewhere. I don't know where, but wherever it is it's mending something.

So this is what it is all like now... a couple of quarters, empty fridge, a pile of dirty clothes, unmade bed, empty living room, dirty bathroom, and a large happy smile.

I could elaborate more, but all of this chicken is starting to get to me.

Infinity infinity infinity zero.

I can't say I've been more scared. I can't say I've been more uneasy. I can't say I've been more not understanding. I can't say I've been dumber. I can't say anything.

AMPUTATED~

I can't wait to graduate.

To sever all ties completely.

You disgusting virus.

It's not often you find a Mexican that burns so easily. I don't just mean by the sun either. It's the Mexican women who are known to grieve hard and love even harder. So here I am with this sunburn hardly grieving for reasons I should be. I can't reminisce over what I've lost when I've found something so much better. I was on a trampoline and when I fell on my butt I bounced right back onto my feet. It wasn't hard. It felt almost natural really. I constantly put myself into these circumstances, scenarios in which my heart is only to be torn into two, and I have to decide at which side I am going to mend it on. Most of the time I end up saying "fuck it, let it burn."

I've been trapped in moments of pure bliss. Caged by love and wrapped in passion. Who would've known you'd find this kind of entrapment so early? I'm caught in a spiderweb. It looks delicate, but in reality it's strong and takes a lot of strength to just break it's bounds. I'm tangled, but not in anything else but fingers and words. I'm counting down the days until I can feel at home once again.

The days have been creeping up on me like a heat seeking missile or a blood hound hunting a jack rabbit. I'm just prey. Teenagers are all just prey to the world, or society really. It's really time to grow up. I say that a lot, but there is only a short while until I'm released into the wild.

You're lonely. I'm still crowded. You ask for company. I ask for space. These millions of memories flood my mind with just a song, a smell, a vision of something familiar. All it takes is for something home-like to hit my senses and my brain is paraded with thoughts and feelings that I felt and thought years ago. Singing really loud in cars, long talks in backyards, exploring new alleys to walk down. I miss these things, but I can't say I miss you.

Pulling the moon into the earth

My brain is tangled. It's a muscle and it's tangled. Who would've known, eh? I'm making a trip to Austin May 25th and I couldn't be more happy about it. My greatest plan this weekend was canceled due to my parents not wanting to go to Louisiana. What kind of shit is that? With time I've come to believe in fairy tales, seeing truth in little things like happily ever afters and whatnot. I've made this list of things to do that just never seem to get done. My heart has been shaky and all I want is for it to find that steady rhythm once again. GET A GRIP HEART! I don't lose my balance often and when I do, I'm off by a mile.

For once I've wished for a normal life. This whole routine I've got going isn't sufficing. Or maybe it's me wanting to get a job and graduate already. This isn't easy, what I'm doing. I'm doing absolutely nothing, and it's the hardest thing I've done my entire life. I've kept it up for almost three years and well, it's worn me out. I guess that's what I am. Worn out. Possible internship for a New Jersey music magazine.

I'm still wishin' on 1 a.m.

I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. 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I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit.

I'll try to decide when
Shall I win
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
To tell you to hold off
But you still hold on
It's the one thing that I know




oh bother

This is the blood that we're made of

Here's the sad thing, I suppose - I don't care. I mean seriously, I really don't at all. You'd think that some of the biggest attachments of my life would leave a huge gaping hole, but they really didn't. I almost feel as though I've disposed of these hideous leeches. That's just metaphorically speaking of course. In retrospect I have learned a lot. BUT I've got new blood to make now.

High School is nothing more than preparation and enduring. You are preparing for more school and are enduring the rest of the mostly mindless zombies that aggravate you to no end for 8 hours and 5 days of the week. As graduation draws closer, I realize that I really won't want to participate in any festivities that anybody else will be participating. I hardly want to walk across the stage to reach for my diploma. I just want to get the heck out of there, a million feet from all the people in my class.

APRIL 29!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think I've ever missed something this much before. There was one time when I missed macaroni and craved it every day for a month, because my parents wouldn't buy it, for whatever odd reason, but I never ached like I do now, like I have all day. I miss him as if he is going to disappear tomorrow, and I won't ever see him. I feel like I should confess to him all the things I confess to this blog. I fear, though, that his heart would explode with all the love I can give, and then, he will not be able to give love anymore. I just want him to be next to me so I can butterfly kiss him, and deny his plea of no kisses on the cheek even though he smiles his twisted smile every time my lips make landing. I just want July 30th to be real today, so I can move out of this hell hole and forever be twisted in sheets with the love of my life. Today's topic, a thousand acres of love.

I've come to the conclusion that my father is very influenced by Sean Hannity. Most of what my dad says, I hear from Sean Hannity first in his 2-4 o'clock p.m. radio show. All he ever babbles about is how the government has too much control over things the people should have control over now that Obama is president. Before, he babbled about how the government didn't have enough control. I don't know what to really concern myself with anymore, so I just don't concern myself at all. By doing this, I put myself in the constant fear that one day there is going to be a nuclear warfare eminent, and I won't even know until I can hear the explosion in my front yard.

I've been handling the past quite a lot lately. It kind of feels like when you own a puppy, and he is the most adorable thing on the planet, and your heart falls for him instantly with his shaggy hair and big eyes, but then one day he runs away with no warning. A few years down the road he returns home as this mongrel, mangy dog that has obviously been sticking himself in places he should not have been and is now completely different from the loveable puppy you once knew, yet you find that he still has the little niche he created in your heart, but the love is now a little morphed. Actually, that is exactly what it feels like.

So, usually I can tell my cat everything, but lately she's been a bitch and has rubbed me the wrong way. I've even gone as far as considering giving her to a chinese restaurant down the road. She'd make a good addition to their real moogoo gai pan. This breaks my heart since I've never thought of her this way, but she has given me no other option.

I realize I sound like a lunatic sometimes, especially when the girls at my table in my 5th period give me this odd face to where it literally looks like this one -> O_o. They aren't really the only ones, but they are the ones who make it most prominent. I think most other people use the fact that I am G.T. certified to justify my oddity, since most G.T. kids have a certain quirkiness about them, but other's just don't give a fuck either way. I am here to say that I am in fact sane but just think out loud, and it never works to my advantage. I mean, sometimes people laugh, and other times people just kind of give me the above noted look. Hey, don't hate me 'cause you ain't me.

I've never believed yelling solves anything, unless you're a dog. Quite frankly, I don't appreciate it when my parents yell at me as if I were ziggy the forever annoying rattle that yips and yips all day and night, for I am not that sack of kibble, but a human being- an upsetting one, but a human being none the less. So I am now creating this tactic so that whenever they yell at me, I make this face as if I have just shit myself and am in deep distress. I plan on using this tomorrow, because more than likely, they will yell at me. If anything I hope it distracts them. In the name of science, it will work.

DON'T SIT ON THE COUCH PENDEJO!

Portishead - The Rip

Thats not healthy

So I am currently trying out this new thing where I stay up all night on a school night, so I can feel drunk naturally at school. I guess the theory is really going to be tested tomorrow. Right now is just the "put into action" phase.

I guess I feel better than I did earlier. I was down. Now I'm just a little bit pissed. I think I may be tripping over nothing. When I really think about, I do that often. To make up for it, I've eaten about half of my body weight in strawberry ice cream, caramels, diet coke, and sausage kolaches. My goal was to eat the whole pint and a half of strawberry ice cream, but I failed. As if food could save me from myself.

I think I may have a fear of the dark. I ran from the "cucuy" all night. I turned on all the lights in every place that had them and double checked every corner before I walked around them. I didn't want some hairy monster with huge fangs jumping out to get me.

I've always lived by "live fast, die young," because I never wanted to limit myself in the things I could do or enjoy doing. But I've realized, that with the rate that time goes by, I don't want to live fast at all. I'd like to live real real slow and watch everyone else live fast. The one real fear I have, is dying alone. It is kind of common, but then again, it isn't. I want to find someone to die with that I love so deeply and could imagine spending eternity with - that is if I haven't already found him. I think that's too bold of a statement to make yet though.

I've realized that I have found appreciation in simple things like whispy clouds and the sound of seagulls. I want to live on the coast so I can always feel sand between my toes and smell the salt water. I want to always hear the crash of the waves and moans of the sea breeze in the middle of the night. I'm just a starfish that's evolved into this human form. My home is 10,000 underneath the sea.

I could imagine myself anywhere with an open space in all honesty. I've actually been able to imagine what my life should be like in a year from now. Should, or what I want it to be rather. It looks good, and if everything goes according, it should taste good too. I just gotta follow the recipe.

It's becoming harder to keep my eyes open, but my new fascination with feeling absolutely miserable is hard to resist, therefore I must keep my eyes open. Sometimes I really convince myself I am going nuts.