??????!?!???!!!?!

What can I say for myself that I haven't said before? I wish I were in someone else's shoes? Someone else that was happier that is. Someone else with more adventures.

Our conversations have become less interesting as time goes on. Our skin has slowly started the process of wrinkling, and though that will take years to really take effect, I still feel the aging in my bones. Lumpy, stumpy, and grumpy. Patience has worn me thin, not literally (I WISH).

I've dedicated myself to witnessing every full moon and praying right underneath it. Not only that but singing songs in the morning and smiling at every passer-by. I'm in the mood to cry, but for good reasons in reality. I'm tired of crying because of boys, or other self-loathing reasons. I'm ready to start crying for birth, life, and even death in certain scenarios. I'm ready for a re-birth, another epiphany, or some self-realization. I don't want to hold onto what I have been holding onto for so damn long. I need to jump off this cliff.

This lady today, that I was checking out (as in her clothes etc.) at work, was laughing hysterically, and smiling the most smiley smile I've ever seen. She had just won 20 bucks on a scratch off, and it made her so ridiculously happy. She said to me "It's twenty more bucks than I have now, and it's the first time I've ever won anything on any of these! I LOVE LIFE! DON'T EVER GIVE UP!" I had to smile, because she was so beautiful in that moment. Maybe I sound cheesy, but it's real. She was genuine, and good, and happy, and just alive for that single moment. I think this is what people strive for most of their lives.

I already know what my home is going to look like. It's going to have a porch that goes around 3/4's of the house, and a backyard with tons of trees, and and maybe two big ones in the front yard. The master bedroom is going to have a one wall with windows that take up it's entire mass. It will have a huge kitchen, and a settled living room. I'll have huge comforters like the ones I have now. I will own only one computer, that will only be used for work and nothing else. There will be a garden somewhere, and two cats, and a big dog.

Yes life does goes by fast.

cat slipperz: i feel good, but not too good, you know what i mean?
Greg: basically you dont feel bad?
cat slipperz: well i mean, i don't feel not bad, but i don't feel bad
cat slipperz: i'm just somewhere in between
cat slipperz: but not so inbetween that i can be like "okay"
Greg: you are in the purgatory of feelings right now
Greg: or are you not even there because purgatory would be "okay".....
cat slipperz: no, i think you are right, i am in purgatory
cat slipperz: cause i mean okay could be under the category of "good"
cat slipperz: cause not bad would go under there
cat slipperz: and okay and not bad are basically synonymous
cat slipperz: cause when someone says not bad they don't exactly mean good or great
cat slipperz: just okay techinically
Greg: i think we just made some quantum sense out of your problem
cat slipperz: yes, i do think progess was made just now
cat slipperz: but i think i just downgraded the progress by spelling progress wrong
Greg: good job
Greg: you set us back 100 im's
cat slipperz: oh fuck

-

If there is one thing I have learned lately, it's that a lie hurts more when told later than sooner. No matter how far into the past it was.

He says I need to see my friends, but really, all my friends are dead- I suppose. I mean they've all taken a different road. One, myspace friends and parties, two, lost then found but moved to Colorado, three, lost and still lost due to the fact her head has been stuck up her boyfriends ass for so long (she can't find her way anywhere), four, works every single day, five, a ghost, six, too far, seven, yet another ghost, - and so it goes on, and on, and on, and on. Dead.

I'd like to meet someone that's like me. Assertive, somewhat funny, listener, stubborn (though we'd get nowhere), lovable. Last one is to toot my own horn. I want to to be like talking to myself. See how long I could keep a conversation going. Maybe not long, but who knows right?

I mean shit at this rate I could be like Brittany Hibbits. LOL.

I remember, because we were laying on your bed, and the light was dim, and you were touching my face.

You said..

"If I could, I'd make you my whole world."

Liar.











http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjMkNrX60mA

There are things this past weekend that I just thought about. Pretty insignificant things really.

For instance...

The fact that my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend is ugly. When he started dating her, several people told me "she's not even prettier than you." Some were random people I talked to, some were HIS friends - not naming anyone.

The way people just forget things, like where they left their keys, or what happened that morning. Sometimes people just mix up mornings entirely. They confuse this morning with thursday's morning, and so on.

How birds fly to one place and another just as if we were taking a car ride there or walking to one side of a room to the other. It's just a daily thing to them and so many humans wish they could just fly. Do birds wish they could just walk like we do?

I thought of a lot of things, and now I'm just frustrated. I thought about how I do so much for you and you do half of that for me. I guess that's what I sacrifice in our little twosome we have going. I sacrifice my feelings for you. I would drive to your house just to take you to mine and then drive you back. Or just driving to your house 3 days a week. I wouldn't dare bring this up to you because that's not the kind of person I am. I don't bring up alllll of the things I do for you that you don't do in return, because that's not okay. Maybe I should so I just don't blow up about it one day, but right now I don't.

Life just feels so horrible today though it is not horrible at all.

exceriseeeeeeee your BRAIN

So this, lately, has been getting on my nerves.

Teenagers.

Those like many that claim they are older and more mature and still complain about their parents because "they don't understand them, because they aren't a teenager." Here is a little secret... THEY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY WERE TEENAGERS. They didn't skip an entire era of their life. They just don't agree with the fact that you want to go to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house at 1 in the morning. You just don't understand little brain.

Those like many that insist that they "can do the things they want (i.e. parties, marijuana, sex) because their brains have grown." Maybe your intelligence has grown a little bit in highschool but you're rationality has definitely decreased. The world owes you nothing and you should be grateful for your parents, because they in fact, currently, hold the key to your freedom. Wake up and smell your gym shorts for crying out loud. 

Those like many that insist they find "love," in the ninth, tenth, eleventh grade. Girls do mature faster that guys, it's obvious. So it baffles me that most girls will chase after high school boys thinking they are just as mature as they are. My father used to tell me this all the time, "Your boyfriend is in college waiting for you." Girls that insist they are in love but have a new boyfriend every two weeks. No. You will learn some day, but today is not your day.

Those like many that insist they are "independent," but don't have a job, pay for their car or cell phone, and still call their mother and father "mommy and daddy." Until you can do all of these things, you cannot seriously call yourself independent. 

Those like many that insist they know what is going on in the world today by complaining about President Bush. What you really know is how biased the media is, because that's all you heard on the t.v. and throughout school from kids your age that got their information from their parents who probably only watch CNN, NBC, MSNBC, all liberal media. You take a hit from your joint and talk about how the corporate world has nothing but crooks and the government is shitty. You have no idea.

The one thing I wish most, is that I was a better role model for my brother. I wish I could have not done the things I did so that I could set a good example for him. Believe it or not, your siblings do look up to you. It hit me when he one day said to me, "I started smoking because you were smoking." As soon as I quit, I tried to work that magic again, but unfortunately he was stuck in a world he won't get out of until he learns the hard way. 

You aren't smarter than you think, you won't know what love is until it really hits you like a brick ( just because you can hold a long relationship, doesn't mean you seriously love that person either), you aren't independent in High School, and you have no idea what is really going on in the world until you do the research yourself.

As crazy as it sounds, this is why I want to become a Government teacher.

So lately my thoughts have circled around crazy ideas. There is a list of things I want to do but just haven't had the people to do them with. There are only two people I can think of that would ever agree to do these things with me. One is my love! He is always willing to do just about anything, and I think that part of him has rubbed off on me, his sense of adventure. Unfortunately, he lives far far away from me. The second person is an old friend whom I really don't talk to anymore. Difference in ideas. The sad part is that these two people are the only people that have ever convinced me they care about me at all. I've had friends, I mean, we all have friends. They change as we grow up, but we have them. None of my friends have ever made me feel like these two people did though. I know for a fact that my love would come to me if I really needed him, and this old friend came to me when I needed them most before.

That's the kind of thing I miss. But fear not for it will be achieved!

I think things are going to pick up for me.

And so, my brother and I got into this argument that comes up a lot lately since he keeps asking me to do these... favors for him. I don't like his girlfriend, at all. I used to at some point, until I figured out a many of things just by seeing their relationship. 

- She doesn't do anything good for HIM. I don't see how she impacted his life in a good way other then getting my mother to yell at him a lot for doing dumb shit like taking control of the car as if he were paying for it. He did Ecstasy while he was with her. She lets him make stupid ass decisions, like that. If it were up to me and that were my boyfriend, I wouldn't let him. I understand it's the whole thing of "oh lets let each other do things because we have our own free wills," but I'm not sure I would ever let that be put into play with drugs. You're not controlling someone if you're saying something for their own benefit. 

-She has this whole 10 year old view on things, "I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone" outlook on life. That is not a mature way to see things. I think that, but only in uncontrollable situations. Grow up.

-She is what I call a trapper. She dared to be dumb enough to say, IN THE BEGINNING OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP, "I thought I could love you, fall in love with you," OH PLEASE. She gave it up too soon as well, taking whatever innocence my brother had left, trapping him even more, making him feel obligated to be with her. 

My brother asks me if I can invite them to go do things with Adrian and I, so they can see what couples do and how they influence each other in good ways. Red flag? Is it? Because my BROTHER is asking me this, using those exact words. In all reality, he shouldn't have a girlfriend during his senior year, he needs to focus on what's going to get him into a better future, not some little girl who has only become an anchor on his life, holding him down. He doesn't need a girlfriend who is as insecure as her, or on the contrary as well, has as big of an ego. 

She isn't cute anymore. And he needs to wake up and see what he really has in front of him.